Concert Etiquette: Part 1

I went to see Beirut a few years ago, and they pretty much blew my face right off with how awesome they were.

Though the band was amazing, the experience made me realize that a great number of people do not have any sense of concert etiquette.

I always get stuck next to at least one asshole at most concerts. Maybe these people lack some sort of insight into what is usually expected of a thoughtful human being, and if so I feel it is my duty to lay down some rules for how to behave in a crowd without being a monumental tool:

1. Are you a giant? Can you graze amongst the tree tops with the other long necks? Perhaps you should hang back and give the average-sized humans a chance to look at something besides your shoulder blades. Also, don't bring your other vertically exceptional chums and create an impenetrable wall of douchebaggery, it's selfish and will make everyone hate you...including God.
2. I don't care if the music speaks to you in a way that no human ever could, there is a time and a place for you to pull out your Stevie Wonder impersonation, and guess where it's not: a jam-packed fucking concert! Getting lost in the music does not mean you have to sway like a "tay ina win".
3. Everyone is allotted a personal bubble of space in life, and this bubble expands and contracts depending on the situation. In a concert situation, this bubble is about 2 inches away from the outline of your body. That is your permissible space, DO NOT INVADE OTHER BUBBLES WITH YOUR BUBBLE!
4. Don't sing*. Unless, by some miracle, there becomes an intuitive moment during a particularly good song where everyone else has simultaneously burst into song, you shut your face! No one wants to hear your off key rendition of a song that the band who fucking wrote it is trying to do justice. You are ROBBING the world from hearing how that song should sound, and most likely fucking up perfectly good YouTube videos with your cacophonous screeching.
5. If you are going to participate in a band-led, audience-inclusive, clapping exercise, you better have the rhythm of Louis fucking Prima. If you can't find 2 and 4, don't even attempt to assault the rest of the rhythmically superior with your ineptitude.
6. If you are at a concert, you need to be realistic about the space around you. You don't own it, and if you don't occupy it, someone else will!
7. Leave the PDA in your bedroom. No one should have to be subjected to the sounds of tongue slurping while crammed against your rear end. Space is tight, folks, and you're sharing it with a lot of people.

*unless you have the voice of an angel and/or perfect pitch. 

I'm sure there's about a million more rules I could come up with, but mainly, just be considerate.
Or else.