The Canucks: A Bandwagon Jumper's Message to the Universe

The Canucks are going to win the Stanley Cup. 


If you're reading this from out of Country, or have lived under a rock for the last century, just so you're informed, Canadians really like hockey and right now it's the day before the final game of the final series, in which the home team is tied with the Americans. As mentioned, I really don't care too much insofar as my life will continue regardless of the outcome of this game, but I was in Texas for the 2010 Olympics and missed that whole Canada vs. USA Gold Medal Game hoo-ha, so I feel like this is my vicarious olympic experience. 


I'm not saying they are going to win in some vain effort to be optimistic, or make myself feel better because honestly, I'm not that big of a hockey fan. I've resented it for most of my life, actually, largely because my dad's investment in this game was so intense that we were forbidden to speak to him when the Canucks were on. It was very inconvenient.


No, I'm saying this for a few reasons. Firstly, a co-worker of mine has a very existential view on how you can control your environment based on the ju-ju (as I've decided to call it) that you put out into the universe, but it's got to be sincere when you put it out there, or the universe just tells you to fuck off. I feel that as a bandwagon jumper, I'd better do my bit to ensure victory so I might atone for my apathy in the previous months. The Canucks are going to win the cup tomorrow. The Canucks are going to win the cup... 

The party truck blasts upbeat dance music down Georgia St. 

Secondly, I'd really rather not get stuck in a drunken riot on Wednesday. I'll be downtown watching the game on a big screen surrounded by about 100 000 rednecks from out of town, and I think a few of them are quite unhinged, to be honest. After we won game 2, my friends and I actually saw some drunken idiot run up the front of this giant roid-monkey's black caddy and get the piss beaten out of him outside Dunn's menswear. That's not local behaviour! That's been imported from the interior where they really don't have much else to live for besides hockey and beer. We rioted when we lost 17 years ago, and with all this idiocy filling the streets, mayhem is sure to ensue again. 

Thirdly, it's just our turn dammit. Boston's won the damn thing before, I don't care how many years ago this was, but their name is etched on the cup somewhere near the top and it's our turn to wield the engraving gun. Like how my bandwagon-jumping ass is now including myself in this feeling of righteous entitlement? It's our game, it's our turn, now bugger off, Boston!

YOU CAN NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!

Fourthly, I'd really, really like to have a party tomorrow. It's been great fun wandering around the streets with a bunch of juvenile monkeys wearing green and blue face-paint! I could do without all the puck-bunnies whoring up the uniform, but I do enjoy watching civilized men paint themselves like William Wallace and sound obnoxious plastic noisemakers like they're about to fight the British. Also, the use of tinfoil has never been so creatively used.  On every game night, there are at least 8 aluminum foil versions of the cup wandering around downtown Vancouver, occasionally helmed by Jesus Christ himself; that's got to be an omen, right?

Granville Street Chaos. Jesus is in there somewhere...

I'll depart from the list now and just go on to say that it's lovely being in the epicentre of all this madness. Those days when we couldn't communicate with dad because the Canucks were playing seem so far removed from the chaos that happens every game night in Vancouver. As a child, hockey lived in the television, it didn't infect my daily life with delayed bus routes, and plentitudes of people inundating my town. Even Vancouver during a regular game was much more subdued. It used to be a few people would pile into a bar wearing their 'nucks jersey, have a few beers while they watched the game, but it's since morphed into this giant beast of thousands. It has become a world where wearing your jersey to your office job is, if not mandatory, at least encouraged.

Babeh Canadian!!!!

All this drinking in public is enjoyable as well! There's not even any real need to disguise what you're doing either; do it old school, wrapped in a paper bag and nestled in the crook of your arm like a cherished child. As long as you don't do anything ridiculous like vomit on a police officer's shoes or ride off on their motorcycle, you can get away with almost anything. 


That's the key isn't it though? By all means, debauch to your hearts content, but don't be an asshole about it! All the destruction and vandalism is really unnecessary in this situation; breaking windows? Tearing down decorative foliage? Bitch, please! If we win, make it a good night and try and keep your bricks to yourself, if we lose, console yourself with copious amounts of liquor, try not to vomit anywhere inappropriate, go home, and sleep it off. But what am I even talking about, the Canucks are going to win tomorrow, so that's that. 


I'm going to sleep now to prepare myself for my early morning meeting tomorrow. I will continue to send my good ju-ju into the universe, I will procure public drunken-ness liquor, and I shall wear sensible footwear. I am prepared for a show of epic proportions! All this hooplah, it's causing a great old spectacle in my 'hood and I do love me a spectacle! Go Canucks go, we want the cup, Bruins suck, and all that jazz.

Me and half of Johnson Sandwich marching towards victory after Game 2.