Star Whackers

So, since I mainly post entries of notable things that I have taken part in versus talking about my thoughts on particular subjects, or hobbies I have (because I don't have any), or marathons I run (because I don't), I feel what I am about to share with you all definitely fits the bill. 


On friday, I went to the world premiere of Randy and Evi Quaids docudrama "Star Whackers". 

For those of you who don't know of the Quaids plight, a short explanation: 


With charges of fraud and burglary plaguing the couple in the States, in October of 2010 the Quaids sought refugee status in Canada because they believe they are being pursued by a nefarious group of assassins and life-ruiners the "Hollywood Star Whackers". They claim this group is responsible for the death of Heath Ledger, and are currently targeting (alongside themselves) Lindsay Lohan. 


In short...the Quaids have gone crazy...and made a film about it. 


TJ, Jenna and I, being morbidly curious and appreciative of all things wonderfully bad, bought tickets at our earliest convenience to see the world premiere of this ridiculous movie, and to see the Crazy Quaids defend themselves in front of a live audience. 


In a moment of true Jenna class and propriety, she tried to smuggle a few PBR's into the theatre, but upon reaching the front of the line, in the presence of a camera man, they were actually checking bags (presumeably to keep the Quaids safe from all the Canadian assassins). Not wanting to toss out three perfectly good PBR's, Jenna decided she would negotiate with the man. 


"How about I give YOU one, and then I keep two?....No?..."

Eventually the guy just told her to go behind the venue and shot gun them all. The best thing about the whole exchange, as previously mentioned, was the camera man filming the entire encounter. So damn classy. 


So, beers shot-gunned, seats procured, we sat down with our snacks and waited for the first Randy Quaid feature to begin. A semi-entertaining Canadian film called "Real Time", it mostly just lulled the audience into a false sense of numbness, likely on purpose to soften the blow of the upcoming "Star Whackers". 


Evi Quaid came out before the main event and made a bit of a speech. It was more of a "Hey, it's not done yet, so don't judge it too hard" kind of things, but she ended it with the warning that "the bullets were fake and the penis is prothsetic". O RLY???


The opening scene of the movie is Randy Quaid, stuck in the last role he played, Shakespeare's Hamlet, spewing Elizabethan prose wearing a fur coat...and nothing else. The picture is over exposed, the wind howling in the handy-cam's microphone...and Randy Quaid's penis projected on a large screen...larger than any screen has any right to be in this context. 


You would think that some sort of plot would emerge after 15 minutes or so...but no! The Hamlet thing goes on for a good long while, reaching a it's peak around the time RQ sticks a spare bit of red hair in his ass crack, before we are introduced to another of Randy's characters: and eye-liner wearing hit man who is trying to kill Shakes-Quaid. 


Finally, making no sense in the flow of the over all "story arc", if that is even possible, a scene where hit-man Randi is talking to a third, brand spankin' new RQ, I will here-on-out refer to him as Sheep-skull. Why? BECAUSE HE HAD A SHEEP SKULL ATTACHED TO HIS HEAD WITH FISHNET STOCKINGS AND A SEATBELT! 

We realized early on that there wasn't going to be too much to this film; it was not actually going to be an informational docu-drama of the trials and tribulations the Quaid's went through to escape the Starwhackers in Canada. It was just nonsense...pure and utter nonsense. There were however some decent moments enacted by all three of the Quaid characters: 

• Shakes-Quaid had a staring contest with a Camel
• Hit-man Quaid manhandled a donkey for information about Shakes-Quaid's whereabouts. 
• Sheep-skull...well he wore a sheep skull on his head for the whooooole thing. I think that deserves a bullet point. 

And that "prothsetic" penis? On display for the entire hour and a half. Is there such a thing as too much penis? Some would say it's debatable, but after seeing this movie, if I never see a fat naked man again, I could die happy. 

The grand finale was when RQ himself came out with "his" band (i'm pretty sure they were pretty embarrassed about the whole thing) and sang a few songs he'd written about their ordeal: "Mr D.A. Man" and "Star Whackers". Utter madness.

I don't even think I have anything constructive to say about the whole thing. It was like visiting the freak-show at the circus, or one of those things that's so bad it's good: you just couldn't look away.